August 2011
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oh fuck
I am my father
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everyone should stop okcupiding, pearl does it...
okcupid: are you more attracted to virgins?
pearl: yes. specifically like monks and shit.
okcupid: would you--for any reason--read your mate's email or pose as him/her online, without his/her knowledge and permission?
pearl: only if I suspected them of something. OR if I thought it would be funny. I'm really into disguises and pretending to be other people.
okcupid: do you believe that the global flood (noah's ark) actually happened?
pearl: no. but, full disclosure, in high school i was a young-earth creationist. INTRIGUED???
okcupid: would you date somebody who was a virgin at the age of 25?
pearl: yes, definitely. especially if they were a monk.
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Watchthere was a brovasion in our favorite breakfast place this morning. it was like jebrosalem in there.
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pearl asked me to tell her what to text a guy.
me: just say, "hola, I'm drunk!"
pearl: I would NEVER say that, cause I'm not you.
me: ok then say, "salutations, I am in my cups!"
pearl: oh fuck that's exactly what I would say.
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“you know I think the riddler is fine as fuck. out of all the batman villains, I...”
– pearl
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“muzzle your snickers!”
– things pearl says to me on the regular.
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CRAIGSLIST MISSED CONNECTIONS: "handsome...
“This is a message to that skinny guy in the snazzy suit who walked around like three times before settling down at an outdoor table with a woman and another man. My friend told your female companion that I thought you were cute, but you did nothing at all with the information! I was the presumably very silly-looking young white woman in a pink shirt and hipsterish glasses. I would have...
patricia: you need more gum.
me: patricia, I'm already chewing the two pieces you shoved into my mouth!
patricia: no, let me give you more gum.
me: I'm really ok.
patricia: ...just a half piece?
dad: YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THE PAIN OF CHILDBIRTH!
me: um, NEITHER DO YOU!
kevin: but you might one day.
me: except not, because i would be drugged into oblivion. as is only natural.
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“get it from the front”
– this means start the song over in dad language
“life is a disease: sexually transmitted, and invariably fatal.”
– neil gaiman
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“kevin says he’s bi-pollo. that means he can have white or dark meat.”
dad is singing along to joan sutherland's opera
kevin: your voice sounds so much like hers!
dad: yes, I’ve always thought so.
dad: we need to listen to this again only louder so I can quiz sarah about what they’re saying.
me: jesus christ.
dad: you’re a jew, you can’t say that!!!
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car backfires, i spill coffee all over my...
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“we have to watch WILLIAM AND CATHERINE: A ROYAL ROMANCE.”
– pearl
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judging only by commercials
I’d say that a lot of sexually frustrated women watch the INVESTIGATION/ DISCOVERY channel after midnight.
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