February 2012
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“the only problem with jizz is that I always end up in a committed relationship.”
– truisms
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“Yo. Herb Bool sends his regards, hardy, har, har hards. He was wearing skin...”
– excerpt from “Barbara Ellis Texts!” our upcoming broadway blockbuster
“get off my case, toilet face”
– Barbara Ellis (aka mother of pearl)
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“what does Sadie lady like? booze and Jews.”
– my favorite bartender has me pegged.
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“EARNEST AS FUCK: a compilation of romantic misadventures”
– my upcoming memoirs, detailing my dalliances with unbelievably earnest men.
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“sometimes, a bad break up is one thing but murder is another.”
– LIFE LESSONS VIA TRUE CRIME NARRATION
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“they say they’ll murder everyone who drinks fire water. what will Cuba do...”
– current kitchen music, translated from the Spanish
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Oscar night means copious amounts of champagne and...
oh no wait, that’s every night chez padial.
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chez padial
me: kevin, do you want the rest of this champagne?
dad: JUST KILL IT!
kevin + dad (in chorus): CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
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“anyone who describes themselves as a dry wit is a wet wit AT BEST.”
– truisms.
“violently red lips”
– the sadie padial story
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“A writer is a person for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other...”
– Thomas Mann
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“there are certain things that a proper lady doesn’t share (read: boners).”
– Class and Etiquette for Upper Class Women (an excerpt from my upcoming collection of short essays on feminine etiquette)
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MY DAD JUST PUT BENEFIBER INTO THIS ROUX!
do y’all not understand the magnitude of this situation?!? maybe you have to be southern to get it, idk.
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people's "coming out as clinically depressed"...
daughter: mom, i'm depressed.
mom: OH THANK GOD i thought you were pregnant
daughter: ...
mom: always use a condom, but if you do get pregnant, don't get an abortion. we'll raise it for you.
daughter: ...
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oh my god why do i have jello shots in my purse
cause they were FREE that’s why
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